It’s time to leave my girlfriend

Dear Pastor,

I am an ambitious 28-year-old man seeking guidance because I feel overwhelmed and uncertain about one of the most important decisions of my life.

I graduated from university with a bachelor’s degree and will be pursuing my master’s degree this academic year. Professionally, I have been blessed with a good career and a growing business. By God’s grace, many areas of my life seem to be progressing, except my relationship.

I have been with my girlfriend for four years. We met during my final year of university and she is two years older. I have tried my best to support her emotionally, financially, and academically. I supported her through university until she earned her degree and, currently, I carry all of the financial responsibilities in our household.

Despite my efforts, I often feel that I am blamed whenever something goes wrong. When she had a conflict with my sister while we were living together, I was held responsible. When I encouraged her to improve her health by paying for a gym membership, there was little progress, yet I was told that I wasn’t speaking enough life into her. When she struggled to decide on a career path, I encouraged her to apply for teaching positions, but, when she wasn’t consistent with her applications, I was blamed.

She has also lost interest in many things she once enjoyed, including cooking and taking care of herself, and she says I am responsible for that as well. I recognise that no relationship is perfect and that I have my own shortcomings, but I have reached a point where I constantly feel emotionally exhausted and as though I can never do enough.

Last year, I confessed to her that I was beginning to feel tempted. When my girlfriend confronted me, I was honest. We had difficult conversations and she promised she would make an effort to change. While she has since found employment, many of the issues remain unresolved.

Recently, I met another young woman who is active in church. She is doing well professionally and I have found myself developing feelings for her. We simply talk, exchange messages, hug, and admit that we are attracted to one another. She is also in a relationship where she feels her partner is not making an effort to grow or give her the attention she needs.

She values my opinions, challenges me to think, and includes me in discussions about her goals and future. I feel appreciated and respected. By comparison, I often feel that my current relationship requires me to carry the emotional, financial, and practical load while still being made to feel inadequate.

My girlfriend knows about this friendship and has threatened to damage my reputation because she feels betrayed. I understand why she is hurt, and I acknowledge that allowing myself to become emotionally attached to someone else was wrong. But I cannot ignore the reality that my current relationship has been deeply unhappy for a long time.

Pastor, how can I know whether I should continue fighting for this relationship or accept that it is time to let go? How do I distinguish between temporary dissatisfaction and God’s indication that a relationship has run its course? Finally, how do I handle my feelings for this other woman in a way that honours God and avoids causing further hurt?

R.

Dear R.,

From what you have written, I can say that you are a man of patience.

As I read your letter, I was hoping to find that you confessed that you love the woman with whom you live. You admit that she is a very difficult woman and yet you have been together for four years. I repeat, you did not say whether you love her.

If this woman loves you, why is she now threatening you? You have to decide why you have remained so long with this woman. Is it because you love her, although you did not state it in the body of your letter? If you love her, you do not love her enough to continue punishing yourself by staying with her because this woman is very selfish. True love is not selfish. She is not willing to give you herself wholly. Unless a partner is willing to give himself or herself 100 per cent to each other, the relationship will never work. The blame game is never a good game to play.

A man should not stay with a woman if she is with him for purely what he can give to her. A man wants respect more than anything else in a relationship. You know that this woman does not respect you 100 per cent. A man may leave a very beautiful girl and become entangled with a girl who is not very attractive, but who respects him and makes him feel that he is a real man.

If you are planning to leave this woman, don’t be worried over how she would feel or the hurt you will cause her. I say to couples all the time, think of yourself. You have said many things about why you may not want this woman in your life anymore. Please don’t force yourself to stay with her.

Do not concentrate on the other girl you have come to know. She will wait on you if she loves you. She will give you time to sort out yourself.

Pastor